【Analysis/Headcanon】Ayabe

[fukaimetsu]

Watching Road to The Top just makes me appreciates Ayabe as a character.

It's sad that people dismiss her character as "forced" suffering, when her struggle of "being haunted by the ghost of her twin" isn’t just forced drama!

There is a phenomenon where, when a co-twin dies at birth, the surviving twin can still experience grief, loneliness, a sense of incompleteness, or even separation anxiety.
"However, several scientific and media accounts describe unexpected lingering sorrow among twins who lost their co-twin at or shortly after birth, even among the twins that didn’t know they were born as twins" - Song H, Fang F, Larsson H, Pedersen NL, Magnusson PK, Almqvist C, Valdimarsdóttir UA. Loss of a co-twin at birth and subsequent risk of psychiatric disorders. Elife. 2021 Jan 28
"When a twin sibling dies, the surviving twin may experience particularly complicated feelings. Many twins feel their identity is so intimately bound with that of their twin sibling that their death can result in profound feelings of loneliness. The surviving sibling may feel they have to compensate in some way for the loss of their brother or sister, perhaps by behaving in a certain way, trying to be more like them, or by suppressing their own grief because they feel responsible in some way for their parents’ grief." - Child Bereavement UK
So Ayabe whole deal with her death twin imouto isn't just mere cheap forced drama, but it has also taken from actual phenomenon that do happen.

What I like is that we were shown Ayabe taking things harshly on herself and "making up" a scenario in her head where her deceased twin sister hates her. This was a result of Ayabe suppressing her grief for a long time, as she was unable to cope with her loss and loneliness, feelings she couldn’t even comprehend or explain. Most likely, her parents didn’t provide her with support, or Ayabe might have kept these feelings to herself out of guilt, believing she exists only because of her twin sister’s sacrifice.

This also says a lot about her as a person. She isn’t just an edgy and cold-hearted girl. She’s a grieving girl, haunted by her own sorrow and carrying it all on her own. Furthermore, she has such deep self-hatred that she believes her existence and achievements don’t mean anything and only happened because she was allowed to live at the cost of her sister’s life. Not only that, but she wants to believe she’s a terrible person, and that’s why she forcefully isolates herself and acts cold toward everyone. She truly believes people don’t need to care for her and that she doesn’t deserve any kindness from anyone.

She thinks of her twin sister as the "stars," the very thing guiding her clouded mind and heart, giving her a reason to run and win. But it’s not her sister who becomes her stars, it’s her own guilt. Because she feels responsible for "taking" her twin’s life, she believes she needs to win to make up for it. This is self-punishment she inflicts on herself under the guise of fulfilling her twin sister’s wishes.

I’m sure Ayabe knows this deep down, but she’s probably coping by telling herself that this is her only "stars." I mean, she wants to win for her dead twin sister, so there’s nothing wrong with that, right? But the anime subtly shows us that this isn’t her real goal. This is her punishing herself, trying to convince herself that everything is her fault. All of this stems from years of suppressing her grief and loneliness—feelings she carries alone. Ayabe most likely doesn’t know how to properly cope because no one truly understands what she has experienced or how she feels....

My headcanon is that her parents most likely have no idea what she’s going through. Considering Ayabe’s personality, she probably doesn’t tell them anything.

Another hc is that her parents do know, but they don’t know how to deal with it because they likely blame themselves. I don’t think Ayabe comes from a bad upbringing (at least the anime or canon material doesn’t hint at anything like that). So I like to think that the whole family is unconsciously grieving for their dead families at birth, because it would explain why Ayabe behave that way.

She becomes my favorite character after rewatching Road to the Top because she has so much layered personalities and characterization that people tend to overlook....

I really love her so much & I hope we get to see her again in the anime.....